9 days of mental gymnastics…

wait

Mental Gymnastics. That’s what the wait for the beta feels like, and it’s the best way I’ve been able to describe it to my husband.

For him? He said of course he thinks about it, whether it worked or didn’t. But it doesn’t flat out consume all his thoughts and energy like it does to me. I guess because I’m the one going through the physicality of it all. I’m the one sitting here second guessing every single twinge I feel in my lower abdomen.

Wednesday and Thursday were very zen. I knew there was literally nothing I could do to change the outcome, so I moved on with my life. Friday and Saturday, I was in the “THIS TOTALLY WORKED” phase of the wait. A few localized cramps on the right side of my uterus? IMPLANTATION, BITCHES! But this morning I woke up and I don’t know exactly what shifted and when…but I’m now convinced it didn’t work. Like, of course it didn’t. Of course I will fall into the 50% statistic of unsuccessful transfers at my clinic.

Yet even with that gnawing on my brain, I’m still surprisingly calm. I haven’t run out to buy any pregnancy tests, I haven’t been obsessively googling symptoms. I’m not pinning my hopes on the fact that some chick on a message board in 2009 had a perfect pregnancy after experiencing the same symptoms I am on the same day. I promised my husband I wouldn’t test until Wednesday, which will be 7 days post transfer. And honestly, that is one promise that will be easy to keep this time around. I am still slightly zen about the whole thing. There’s nothing I can do to change what will happen, whatever it may be, so there’s no point in obsessing or trying to know earlier.

But hey, on the REALLY FUCKING BRIGHT SIDE of all this. My clinic has finally put together all the paperwork from my insurance company and they actually ended up covering a few things, leaving us with a $2,800 credit with the clinic! So IF we end up having to do another full cycle, we get 25% off PLUS this credit. Assuming my meds stay the same, we may be able to get away with a $10,000 cycle. And if that isn’t the best news a person undergoing IVF without full insurance coverage can hear, I don’t know what is.

Wish me luck kids, it’s going to be a fun 6 days to go!

I am not a patient woman.

Who knew? Okay I did. But seriously. How has science not got its shit together enough yet to not make us wait nearly two weeks after an embryo transfer to see if we’re pregnant?? It’s like Schrödinger’s Fetus up in here. I am simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant at the same time.

I had the transfer on Monday. It’s Friday. I seriously wish I could just sedate myself until my blood test on Wednesday just so I could shut my mind up. The first three days were fairly continuous cramping, sort of like period cramps, but more intense. It’s calmed down today, I think I’ve only felt a twinge or two. Which of course sends my thought process directly to IT DIDN’T WORK. My boobs hurts, but that’s probably the progesterone. We’ve told our group of people that knows we’re doing IVF that we froze both embryos. Our (okay MY) thought process was that if/when the first transfer fails, we have time to get our shit together mentally to start again without having to constantly answer people’s questions on if it worked the first time, no matter how well meaning they are.

Nothing exciting here lately. Just continuing to take nightly estrace and baby aspirin along with a lovely little PIO shot. Hoo boy, those are fun. Although I think I had psyched myself up about them so much that they are truly NOT as bad as I thought they would be. I don’t ice or heat beforehand, I warm up the bottle by putting it in a mug of hot water for about 5 minutes, then I take all weight off the leg of the side we’re injecting.

The first night was kind of funny. My husband had never injected anyone before and didn’t think it’d be hard because (and I quote) “You’ve been stabbing yourself every night for 2 weeks and if you can do it, I can do it.” WELL WELL WELL. He must have stood there, eye level with my ass, for a good 10 minutes psyching himself up to just do it. He was shaking afterwards and I gave him a big hug and kiss and told him he did great. He’s gotten more confident as we’ve gone on. He said he now understood my complete meltdown the night of my first stim shots.

I AM VINDICATED. 

And also really. freaking. impatient.