So yeah. Last time I logged in was freaking June. I am a terrible person for dropping off the face of the planet, but such is life, yes?
To make a long story short? Pregnancy was normal and boring up until 38 weeks and 4 days. I developed preeclampsia, little man was born via C-section October 19, I almost died of a postpartum hemorrhage, I jumped on the postpartum depression train and went on some good drugs, I feel like a human again, my child is a giant, and I love this little fucker more than anything in the world.
So…that’s the last 6 months of my life. I look at him sometimes and lovingly call him the little embryo that could. Our only blastocyst of IVF round #2 and as luck would have it, it turned into him.
The delivery was fine. I’m still a little upset that it all boiled down to a C section, but with severe preeclampsia, I wanted a healthy living child born more than I wanted to wait for natural labor. I started hemorrhaging about 2 hours after delivery and ended up losing almost 2 liters of blood. That was fun. I remember thinking “Alright, so this is how I die.” My husband was by the bed crying because he thought his wife was dying.
About 3 weeks post birth, my husband was coming home every day to a wife on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. I never wanted to harm the baby, but I was convinced I was the worst mother in the world and that we’d made a huge mistake. A few months of Lexapro later and I can’t remember those feelings clearly any more.
Today marks 11 weeks since he was born. He’s grown 4.5 inches since birth and now weighs 18lbs. I told you…a giant. He starts daycare on Monday and I go back to work the following Monday. Life goes on. But now I have a kid. I feel like a fraud referring to my son. Like I had to call the pediatrician to schedule an appointment and almost gave them MY name when they asked for the child name. Hopefully that gets more normal as time goes on.
I’m grappling with the idea that this will be our only child. Nearly $40,000 and 2 cycles of IVF to get him here and it was worth it. It’s going by SO FAST and I’m trying to savor this time because I know we’ll never have it again. Infertility sucks, yo.
But sometimes…sometimes IVF works.