Hurdle 1 cleared.

So I peed on lots of things over the weekend. You know…as one does.

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I got the first positive on Friday, 7 days post 5 day transfer. It got progressively darker so I was happy.

Monday’s beta at 10dp5dt was 326. I was very happy with that number. I considered Hurdle 1 to be making it to today and the follow up beta at 12dp5dt. I was keeping my fingers crossed for somewhere in the 650 range. It came back at 977! Like… holy shit. My progesterone is 25, and the RE was happy with it.

Next step is to go back for one more blood draw next week. If numbers still look ok, we wait another week for an ultrasound to find a blob and a possible heartbeat. But I’m just concentrating on breathing until next Wednesday’s blood test.

I don’t know how the fertile people do this. All of my friends got a positive test and then went to the doctor at 8 weeks and thought nothing of it. I am SO VERY TYPE A so I think I would spontaneously combust. I’ve also spent the last year studying absolutely everything that could go wrong in the next 8 weeks waiting for the first trimester to be over. I’m still so convinced that the idea of IVF working for us is a pipe dream. Also…really regretting not PGS testing now. :/

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. For now I trot slowly towards Hurdle 2.

Well then.

So…this happened.

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7 days post transfer and this popped up within like 30 seconds of peeing on the stick this morning. I was getting ready to jump in the shower when I looked and saw the line and promptly freaked the fuck out.

Blood test is Monday and I know a zillion and one things could go wrong. But for at least today…I am pregnant.

I’m going insane.

5 days post transfer and I’ve officially lost it. I’ve cycled between “THIS TOTALLY F-ING WORKED” and “This will be another massive failure” pretty much constantly over the last 5 days. I had some cramping off and on the first few days, but that’s pretty much gone now. No boob soreness that I read about all over the internet (yes, I’m currently living on google…it’s like I’m the sweet little fresh faced IVF newbie of yesteryear).

Just…nothing. I feel like I always feel. How is it freaking possible that all these little unicorns all over message boards are getting positive tests after 5 days? They are literally everywhere and I hate them (not really…but really).

On the one hand, not knowing is the worst. The absolute worst. But on the other hand, I somewhat enjoy holding onto the idea for another 4 days that this could be our chance. Our baby. Like, there’s nothing you can point to right now that says it definitively failed. So I still get to have that nugget of hope that this could be successful.

Let the waiting begin.

So there’s an embryo somewhere in me. A little 90% hatched nugget. I can’t believe this is our 3rd transfer. 2 years, 2 retrievals, 3 transfers and nearly $40,000 later….

I’m in the zen phase. It’s either going to work or it won’t (Schrödinger’s fetus much?) . I’ve already assumed it will not, but of course I still hope. I’m not sure where we go if this fails – the options are IUI with donor sperm or another IVF with half my husband and half donor to confirm our suspicions on why we have so few make it from day 3 to 5.

But for now? For now I wait. And who am I kidding? I fucking HOPE this is it.

Adventures in PIO.

So at my lining check on Friday, I asked the nurse to draw circles on me for my husband to aim at with the needle. He’s always a little nervous the first few times and needs a target to hit. She only drew it on one side, so last night we did that side and I told him he’d have to use his best guess for tonight’s shot. His response?

“Meh, I’ll just throw it like a dart at that side and see where it sticks. Should be fine.”

I married this man. On purpose.

FET is a go.

Had my lining check and blood work done today and all went fine. Lining was at 9.2 and trilaminar and my progesterone showed I have not yet ovulated. I get to start PIO again tomorrow (YAAAAY…said no one ever) Transfer is scheduled for next Friday the 10th. Sigh.

I am so over this cycle. I think both my husband and I know this is going to fail. We were optimistic during the first IVF. It just something we had to do to have a baby. When both of those transfers failed, we were gutted, but didn’t think twice about another round. When the 2nd round became its own clusterfuck, I think both of us kind of realized that we were never going to have biological children together. I am so mentally checked out on this cycle. It’s going to fail…because why would it not? That is just our luck.

Man, I am negative as hell lately aren’t I? Sorry. My husband gets really annoyed with me if I show negativity out loud, so I’ve gotta get it out somewhere!