Gut feelings.

I realized something today. I’m not ready to give up the idea of never having a biological child.

I was in the break room at lunch today just listening to mindless chatter of some coworkers. One of the lady’s daughter just had a baby a few months ago and she was discussing who the baby looked like and showing pictures.

I’m not ready to give up the idea of ever discussing with someone if a baby has my nose or my husband’s ears. I’m just…not. Despite all the evidence mounting that IVF with our eggs/sperm will probably never be successful for us. Call me delusional. I prefer masochist.

I haven’t told my husband this. We’ve talked about moving to embryo adoption after this next transfer fails (obviously we’ve embraced pessimism together at this point). We’ve never spoken of donor sperm and I don’t know how to bring it up.

I plan on talking to my doctor before the next transfer. I want to ask her about more testing and possibly an ERA to see if we’re even giving the embryos a proper chance to stick. I plan on asking her if there’s a point to trying a third cycle or if she suggests moving on to donors (whether that be sperm or embryo). It seems like we have no issue getting mature eggs out of me, but with a 12% and 8% retrieval to blastocyst rate for IVF #1 and #2 respectively, something is wrong. I don’t know if it’s sperm quality or egg quality. Google suggests sperm, but who knows. He’s had genetic and DNA testing done, so I’m at a loss. Are the embryologists just having the worst luck at picking sperm for ICSI? I’ve only ever been on an antagonist cycle – is it worth trying something different?

I don’t know how we’d pay for a third cycle. The 2nd cycle was 25% off and I believe a 3rd would be slightly more heavily discounted. But we’re still looking at at least $10K with meds.

I don’t know if this is just because we’re still very close to this clusterfuck of a cycle and I’m still processing. Maybe after the next transfer, I will be more at peace with the idea that we’ve done everything we can and it’s time to move on. But for now…I’m not ready to end this chapter.

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6 thoughts on “Gut feelings.

  1. We are in the same boat as you. Not sure if it is an egg or sperm issue and not ready to give up on biological children. We are moving ahead with a 3rd and 4th round (it is a package deal of pain) BUT we switched doctors and clinics, getting tons of testing, and doing everything we possible can. That way if/when round 3 and 4 fails, we can say we gave it our all and hopefully move on with our lives. Good luck figuring out what is next on your journey.

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  2. I hear you. As you know, for me I had to give up the genetic thing a year and a half ago, but I’m not ready to give up on the pregnancy thing, and have thought about the embryo thing as well. It sucks on all fronts.

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    • We are also in the same boat as you. We have a plan, and long-term it includes donor eggs. I know I want a baby and a family, and if we can’t achieve it with my eggs than we will use a donor.

      That being said, it breaks my heart to even think about it still..but it breaks my heart more to think of never having children. It’s an awful situation…made worse by the fact that none of this is free or cheap.

      Have lots of talks with your hubby. It’s a big decision. Take your time.

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  3. I understand. For me the biological connection is important, I can’t help feeling that way. I also wrote about it recently on my blog. I really hope your doctor gives you some answers and helps you decide your best plan. Would you get a scratch done before your transfer? Maybe it would make sense to try a different protocol if you’ve only done antagonist before. Good luck, I hope 2017 brings you good things!

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