Counting down the days.

I’m still here. Sort of. Our IVF break should be coming to a close in the next few days…I should be starting my cycle and giving the clinic a call this week. Oy. I’m already gearing up for all the emotions and intensity that I know is coming. Bright side (FUCK YEAH OPTIMISM!) of all this nonsense is that it is our second go-round, so I am miles ahead of where I was earlier this year in my preparations.

Husband and I took a very much needed vacation after the October tax deadline. Five glorious day in beautiful Oregon driving down the coast and then spending two days in Portland with friends. We actually sort of toyed with the idea of moving to the West coast someday. We adore Oregon and Washington (and while I love visiting California, I don’t think I could live there). We’ve kind of set an internal revisiting deadline of 5 years. At that point, we’ll have a kid or not and will definitively know what if we’ll ever be parents or not. I took hundreds of photos, and came away with one of my favorite photos I’ve ever taken. It features my husband and nature, so clearly it’s awesome. It involved hiking down some slippery rocks – I ended up slipping once and crashing to the rocks…I now have a lovely baseball sized bruise on my left hip. WORTH IT.

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I think this is our last cycle. We’re dipping into retirement savings to fund it, which kills me on the inside as a tax professional. But…this is our new normal. We have to do it and I’m not comfortable financing it. We’re still young enough to take the hit and recover long-term, so I’m somewhat okay with it. The tens of thousands of dollars price tag is a big one, so I don’t think IVF #3 will be a thing if this one is another colossal failure.

I haven’t quite come to terms with the idea that this is our last shot at a biological child. It just does not compute and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. So I’m taking it one day at a time. We still have a chance.

 

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4 thoughts on “Counting down the days.

  1. So nice that you took a break and truly enjoyed it. Wishing you the best as you start this next cycle.

    I remember that starting infertility treatments was scary, but ending them was even scarier. At the beginning, even though I was overwhelmed by the lingo, the costs, the procedures… it was still comforting to have options. As we closed the door on treatments, it was much more difficult to come to terms with our reality.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The ending part is definitely scary to think about. Husband isn’t comfortable with donor sperm at the moment, but he’s on board with donor embryos, so that would be our next step. I’m still in that somewhat optimistic point before starting a cycle where I think hey, this could work! 🙂

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  2. Take it one day at a time. Focus on this cycle at hand and relax. Positive thinking that it is finally your turn. Try not to get caught in the money and the thought this may not work though I know it is hard not to think about it. Cross that bridge if you get there. For now, you got this! Every time it seems overwhelming, think of the day on the coast and take a few deep breaths.

    Liked by 1 person

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