I’ve read this term many times. It’s basically when people try to outdo each other on how shitty their situation is at the moment.
I’m guilty of it. I really am. Like many women in my situation, google has become my closest ally (and worst enemy really) in the war of infertility. I’ve found myself going down the rabbit hole of infertility message boards and blogs. I read about couples dealing with secondary infertility. I read about couples going through IUI, IVF, or TI (timed intercourse) in order to conceive.
And I am 100% guilty of occasionally being in a bad mood and reading some of these things and thinking, OH GOD SHUT UP, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. Awful right? Like I’ll read someone’s long account of how heart breaking their IVF failure is, and how they don’t know how they’ll cope. And then there’s a mention of their already born child that will never know the joy of a sibling. And that’s when my brain shuts down. Enter the pain olympics. Who are these women complaining about the world ending because they can’t have a second child when I (and many many others) will never have one?!
The thing is, intellectually, I 100% support these people. Having the rug of your life plan pulled out from under you sucks. It’s life changing. If you spent your whole life planning 2 children to be told that would never happen, it’s got to be heartbreaking. But that little bitchy part of my brain still thinks, “Ugh. That’s not infertility.”
And I hate myself for it. Because it’s so petty. Pain is pain. Just because someone else has it better than me doesn’t mean they can’t be in a world of hurt. It’s like saying you can’t be happy because someone else out there has more of a reason to be happy. I know the fact that my husband and I still have a shot at having a baby that’s genetically ours puts us way ahead of So. Many. People. And someone probably reads my ramblings and says Ugh, she has no idea. I’m in no way so naive to think I have it worse than everyone else, trust me!
This comes up because I have a friend, a girl I’ve known since I was freaking 14 years old. We’re 31 now! She has PCOS and she and her husband tried for over a year before they got pregnant with their little girl, almost 2 years old now. They used clomid and had timed intercourse for 3 months to make it happen. And then when that little girl was 1.5? BAM. Surprise natural pregnancy with baby #2, due this September.
Anyway. This friend knows about our struggle and our failures. And she likes to say things like “I know how much this sucks” and “I know how hard this is” and “I understand exactly how y’all feel.” And the thing is…she really doesn’t. She got to have sex to have her baby! Like normal people! She never had to go through all the invasive exams, and injections, and the whole IVF shebang. And I hate that I have these thoughts, because she is one of the most loyal and wonderful women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And she is being supportive the only way she knows how.
I don’t really have a point to all of these ramblings. I just hate that I have these thoughts sometimes during my low points. Because everyone is going through a journey that I’m not privy to and it’s not my place or anyone else’s to judge. But those stupid thoughts are still there. Just another thing to work on during our 90 day break. Improve myself, inside and out.