After the nurse called on Friday to confirm the shitty news of our second failure, she said the RE had requested a consultation. I’ve heard this referred to on the forums as the “WTF Appointment.” As in, what the fuck went wrong?
I have questions. But I’m scared to know the answers. Is it me? I’ve put on like 10-15 pounds this year with all the stress and medications. That’s not good. I have a very stressful job at multiple times during the year (tax deadlines are a bitch)…is that destroying my chances of success? I have minor hypothyroidism – can I even successfully manage that during a pregnancy?
Then there’s the big question. Is there even any sperm left? The super fun part of testicular failure is that you don’t know when the sperm will just go away. Hell, for all we know, he stopped producing sperm last month and all this worrying about another cycle is all for nothing. Before we do another cycle, I want another SA done to make sure. He had sperm (obviously) for our cycle in May, so that leaves some hope. Husband is still wonderfully (and fucking annoyingly) optimistic that this will work. We will have a child. Whereas I use the word “if” when talking about children, he is still firmly in the “when” camp.
Guys, seeing him with tears in his eyes on Friday morning gutted me. We’ve been together 6 years and the only time I’ve seen him cry is when he had to put down the dog he’d had since childhood. And then Friday. When I crawled back into bed after my morning shower and had to tell him that it didn’t work. I had failed us again. We weren’t going to be parents. He said he loved me and that it wasn’t my fault and that we would do this again.
I don’t know how I feel right now. I’m kind of a mess. The idea of another full cycle makes me sick to my stomach. All the injections and the constant blood draws and twat wandings. The retrieval. The embryo hunger games. I swear, I’ve lost 10 years off my life in the last 8 months from the stress and anxiety alone.
Back to the original topic at hand. The WTF appointment. It’s Wednesday. I’m not sure what to ask. I still have some issues with how the first cycle went, mostly stemming from staff communication and expectations, that I want to address. But other than that…what should we be asking? Every step of this process, I feel SO out of my element. I’m like a deer in the headlights. Have any of you been through this meeting and care to share any fantastic insights?