9 days of mental gymnastics…

wait

Mental Gymnastics. That’s what the wait for the beta feels like, and it’s the best way I’ve been able to describe it to my husband.

For him? He said of course he thinks about it, whether it worked or didn’t. But it doesn’t flat out consume all his thoughts and energy like it does to me. I guess because I’m the one going through the physicality of it all. I’m the one sitting here second guessing every single twinge I feel in my lower abdomen.

Wednesday and Thursday were very zen. I knew there was literally nothing I could do to change the outcome, so I moved on with my life. Friday and Saturday, I was in the “THIS TOTALLY WORKED” phase of the wait. A few localized cramps on the right side of my uterus? IMPLANTATION, BITCHES! But this morning I woke up and I don’t know exactly what shifted and when…but I’m now convinced it didn’t work. Like, of course it didn’t. Of course I will fall into the 50% statistic of unsuccessful transfers at my clinic.

Yet even with that gnawing on my brain, I’m still surprisingly calm. I haven’t run out to buy any pregnancy tests, I haven’t been obsessively googling symptoms. I’m not pinning my hopes on the fact that some chick on a message board in 2009 had a perfect pregnancy after experiencing the same symptoms I am on the same day. I promised my husband I wouldn’t test until Wednesday, which will be 7 days post transfer. And honestly, that is one promise that will be easy to keep this time around. I am still slightly zen about the whole thing. There’s nothing I can do to change what will happen, whatever it may be, so there’s no point in obsessing or trying to know earlier.

But hey, on the REALLY FUCKING BRIGHT SIDE of all this. My clinic has finally put together all the paperwork from my insurance company and they actually ended up covering a few things, leaving us with a $2,800 credit with the clinic! So IF we end up having to do another full cycle, we get 25% off PLUS this credit. Assuming my meds stay the same, we may be able to get away with a $10,000 cycle. And if that isn’t the best news a person undergoing IVF without full insurance coverage can hear, I don’t know what is.

Wish me luck kids, it’s going to be a fun 6 days to go!

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