I really missed having transvaginal ultrasounds.

Said no one. Ever. No one loves to spend the morning at a date with the twat wand. Alas, here I am.

And so begins FET #1. Had my baseline ultrasound yesterday morning to check my lining and check for cysts. All looked as it should, so we are go for launch. My protocol is so freaking simple, I’m convinced she’s playing me. There’s got to be a catch. Literally all I have to do is take increasing amounts of estrogen pills for 2 weeks, then add in a week of PIO shots, then transfer. Then hopefully baby. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Honestly, if I knew then what I know now AND if I had known anyone that had gone through this…I never would have done a fresh transfer in the first place. Even though I didn’t have OHSS or any complications from the retrieval, my body was still a mess. I was hormonal, I was in pain, I was so anxious, and I didn’t have a clue what the hell was happening. I really wish my doctor hadn’t pushed for a fresh. Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20. That’s my $17,000 lesson for the day.

We went to a family wedding this past weekend; my husband’s cousin got married. We don’t see his side of the family very often, so it’s always nice to catch up. One cousin has 3 kids, and the littlest girl (she’s almost 2) really took a shine to my husband.

You guys…that was the most painful shit I’ve ever had to watch go down. He was SO F-ING GOOD WITH HER. Like, Mr. Natural Parent over there. It damn near tore my heart in two to watch him with her, because it just reminded me of our failures and how replicating that interaction may never happen. He’s sitting at the breakfast table with her helping her count quarters (I dunno…) and I got this massive lump in my throat and tears welled up. What if we never have a kid for him to teach? I hurriedly got out my eyedrops and used em so no one would question my watery eyes. God. I hate this. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

But I’m trying out optimism. This can work. It has worked for thousands of couples and it can work for us.

Dammit.

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5 thoughts on “I really missed having transvaginal ultrasounds.

  1. Really hope this cycle goes smoothly and with awesome results…I definitely get the mixed emotions as during all of this IVF stuff we volunteered weekly with a group of first graders that were madly in love with my husband as well. But I try to always make it into a preview of good things to come… for me it’s the pregnant bellies rather than the live children… even six weeks along I don’t believe it yet since we haven’t yet had the ultrasound… right now I just call it purgatory…

    PS I will always take the wand over the catheter and cervix dilator…

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s one way to think of it…a preview. I like that! When is your ultrasound? You’ve gotta be close to leaving purgatory soon right? Woo!

      And god yes, wands all the way. I don’t even mind them really. So many people have been up close and personal with my business in the last few months that I don’t even bat an eye any more!

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      • The 21st… so 8 days left until hopefully we get a heartbeat. Nervous!

        So it sounds like you have different people examining you during all this IVF stuff? I’ve only had my fertility doctor do everything down there ( which was hard enough as I’ve never been to a male doctor before all this!)…

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  2. I know what you mean about watching your husband be so natural with kids…that’s the one thing that does me in every time. I can’t help but feel sad and worry when I see it. I feel like it adds pressure to succeed or something…

    I am glad the protocol will be easier on you! I really hope it works, fingers and toes crossed!

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