I’ve been trying to get myself mentally back into the headspace of being prepared for what we’re about to do. My period should be starting any day now, so preparation for FET #1 will soon be underway.
Mr. Oh Just Relax and I have had a few more in depth conversations about the next steps and how we feel about them. I feel like we were just thrown into IVF and left to figure out shit out on our own and I hated that feeling. From April 1 when we were told it was our only option, to June 8 when we were told our first transfer was a miserable failure, every day was something different…a new question I hadn’t thought of before, a new medical decision to make, a new procedure to endure, a new injection, a new test, a new phone call to interpret. Looking back…I was a mess. I’m still a mess, to be honest. But I’m more self aware this time. And we’re presenting a more unified front this time around. We both know what we want out of this cycle. A baby, obviously, but things like how we expect our doctor to treat me and how we plan to proceed should this be a spectacular failure as well.
Reading back through all my old entries from the past few months, I am SO glad I started this blog. If I had bottled all of those thoughts and emotions up…I can’t even imagine. And if we have to do a full IVF cycle again, I now have the luxury of being able to look back and remember how the first went, how I felt during each particular segment of the journey. Maybe one day we’ll have a baby and I’ll really be able to look back at all this with a completely different set of eyes.
Mentally, I am in a far better space than I was before this whole process. Of course, I can never go back to being the person I was before infertility ruled our lives. That woman is a memory and bless her and her naivety, for it was a wonderful 31 years prior to this shitshow.
You want to know how I know I’m in a better headspace? The most annoying coworker on the planet announced her pregnancy today (she’s only 5 weeks…kinda risky) and instead of gouging her eyes out with a letter opener, I hugged her and said congratulations.
It’s like I’m a mature grown up or something!