Let’s NOT describe my uterus as fluffy.

Yup. The adventures of dealing with my RE.

Had my lining check appointment yesterday to see if we were a go for our FET. Looking great at 9.2 and apparently fluffy, according to the doctor. So…I may not have the ability to bear children without medical intervention but dammit I have a fluffy uterine lining. So I’ve got that going for me.

We are officially scheduled for transfer next Wednesday. Cross your fingers for us. I’m nervous, terrified, excited, optimistic, and preparing for another full round of IVF all at the same time. Probably normal. I get to start PIO shots again tonight, so my husband is back up to bat at nightly stabbings. I had the nurse draw circles on my butt for him to aim at since it’s been almost 2 months since we did this.

I really really really hope this works.

I really missed having transvaginal ultrasounds.

Said no one. Ever. No one loves to spend the morning at a date with the twat wand. Alas, here I am.

And so begins FET #1. Had my baseline ultrasound yesterday morning to check my lining and check for cysts. All looked as it should, so we are go for launch. My protocol is so freaking simple, I’m convinced she’s playing me. There’s got to be a catch. Literally all I have to do is take increasing amounts of estrogen pills for 2 weeks, then add in a week of PIO shots, then transfer. Then hopefully baby. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Honestly, if I knew then what I know now AND if I had known anyone that had gone through this…I never would have done a fresh transfer in the first place. Even though I didn’t have OHSS or any complications from the retrieval, my body was still a mess. I was hormonal, I was in pain, I was so anxious, and I didn’t have a clue what the hell was happening. I really wish my doctor hadn’t pushed for a fresh. Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20. That’s my $17,000 lesson for the day.

We went to a family wedding this past weekend; my husband’s cousin got married. We don’t see his side of the family very often, so it’s always nice to catch up. One cousin has 3 kids, and the littlest girl (she’s almost 2) really took a shine to my husband.

You guys…that was the most painful shit I’ve ever had to watch go down. He was SO F-ING GOOD WITH HER. Like, Mr. Natural Parent over there. It damn near tore my heart in two to watch him with her, because it just reminded me of our failures and how replicating that interaction may never happen. He’s sitting at the breakfast table with her helping her count quarters (I dunno…) and I got this massive lump in my throat and tears welled up. What if we never have a kid for him to teach? I hurriedly got out my eyedrops and used em so no one would question my watery eyes. God. I hate this. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

But I’m trying out optimism. This can work. It has worked for thousands of couples and it can work for us.

Dammit.

Diving back into IVF world.

I’ve been trying to get myself mentally back into the headspace of being prepared for what we’re about to do. My period should be starting any day now, so preparation for FET #1 will soon be underway.

Mr. Oh Just Relax and I have had a few more in depth conversations about the next steps and how we feel about them. I feel like we were just thrown into IVF and left to figure out shit out on our own and I hated that feeling. From April 1 when we were told it was our only option, to June 8 when we were told our first transfer was a miserable failure, every day was something different…a new question I hadn’t thought of before, a new medical decision to make, a new procedure to endure, a new injection, a new test, a new phone call to interpret. Looking back…I was a mess. I’m still a mess, to be honest. But I’m more self aware this time. And we’re presenting a more unified front this time around. We both know what we want out of this cycle. A baby, obviously, but things like how we expect our doctor to treat me and how we plan to proceed should this be a spectacular failure as well.

Reading back through all my old entries from the past few months, I am SO glad I started this blog. If I had bottled all of those thoughts and emotions up…I can’t even imagine. And if we have to do a full IVF cycle¬†again, I now have the luxury of being able to look back and remember how the first went, how I felt during each particular segment of the journey. Maybe one day we’ll have a baby and I’ll really be able to look back at all this with a completely different set of eyes.

Mentally, I am in a far better space than I was before this whole process. Of course, I can never go back to being the person I was before infertility ruled our lives. That woman is a memory and bless her and her naivety, for it was a wonderful 31 years prior to this shitshow.

You want to know how I know I’m in a better headspace? The most annoying coworker on the planet announced her pregnancy today (she’s only 5 weeks…kinda risky) and instead of gouging her eyes out with a letter opener, I hugged her and said congratulations.

It’s like I’m a mature grown up or something!