I need a hug.

I had dinner last night with one of my favorite people on earth. I’ve known her for over a decade, we’ve lived together, we’ve worked together, and we still love each other.

She just had baby #3 a month ago.

So. There’s that. She’s one of the few people in my real life that know we’re going through IVF and infertility. She has been nothing but supportive because she has a small clue of what we’re going through. She and her husband tried for 1.5 years before they had their first IUI and then BAM. Twins. They assumed they wouldn’t get pregnant again without assistance, but surprise! Baby #3 arrived right around when the twins were 18 months. She tries to make our get togethers not be so baby-centric, but that is her world. I can’t and don’t fault her for that, but it gets awkward.

All of the people that know we are doing this are just so…optimistic. Everyone is SO SURE it will work. We will have a baby. Maybe 2, who knows. This whole infertility nonsense will be a blip on the radar of our lives and we will move past it and become happy parents just like everyone else.

But…what if none of that happens? What if it never works? What if we are never able to conceive and have a child? I need to be able to talk about that with people. I need to be able to be scared and not have someone just scoff and tell me that with that attitude of course it won’t work. And now my husband has thrown a wrench into all of this. After talking at length with his longtime friend that’s been down the IVF road (successfully), he’s suddenly decided he’s not 100% on board with our RE any more and that if the FET fails and we have to start over, he wants to switch clinics.

My mind has spiraled off into the future, assuming we’re never successful. How long do we try? Who will we hang out with? Every single close friend we have…has a child. We are officially out of people to spend time with that don’t have kids. It’s getting weird. We aren’t invited to the kid events because it’d be weird. They have zero time to join us for a kid free night, which I don’t begrudge them, though it is disappointing.

I am SUCH a type A person, it’s not even funny. I am a tax accountant, a CPA. I am obsessed with planning. The fact that our future is firmly in the “I don’t even fucking know anymore” category is beyond terrifying to me. We may have kids. We may not. We may keep trying, we may end up being that couple that fosters a crapload of dogs. I don’t know. And I hate it. I wish I could just know for damn sure if we would add to our family some day, whether genetically or by adoption, so I can just have a moment of peace.

I need a dang hug. And a drink.

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6 thoughts on “I need a hug.

  1. I’ve had all of these thoughts myself. At try #4, we don’t have any more friends we consistently hang out with. I looked at a picture of me with 4 girlfriends at my wedding and realized that none of them are in my life – and that was just 2 years ago. My husband isn’t a social butterfly but it has been really hard for me. I have a few acquaintances who know, but it’s not the same. While we are trying to have a positive focus for #4 (#1 was positive, #2 and #3 were neutral and pessimistic), today I did tell my husband that if this doesn’t work, we need to seriously consider travel. After finding out someone 2 years ahead of us on the adoption list still hasn’t gotten their referral/match with a kiddo, and that if you’re working with an adoption agency you cannot foster or adopt domestically for at least a year til that one’s done, we’re feeling rather fucked. If I knew what I know now…and yeah, alcohol. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I JUST wrote about this the other day. I don’t want, I NEED, a yes or no. Call me a type A, but the unknown and day by day is horrifying for those of us that plan out every single aspect of our lives. Hugs your way…and drinks, lots of drinks!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am in the same boat as you. All the positivity around me is killing me right now. The doctors flat out said it may never happen with my own eggs…so stop telling me it will!

    We are also running out of friends that are kidless. That in itself is a different kind of agony. 😦

    If only there was a crystal ball somewhere we could find all the answers…I am sorry. It sucks. Try to take it one day at a time.

    Have a drink! And I am sending you a hug.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m in exactly the same boat and have had ALL of these thoughts – you are not alone. All of my friends are pregnant or have babies. Some of them are on their 2nd or 3rd. No one has needed any assistance.

    I am also a planner and organiser and want to know what is going to happen. I desperately want to see into the future to know that we will have children. It’s all we want and we’re determined to make it happen.

    It’s just hard. There’s nothing else I can say. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I won’t say anything patronizingly optimistic, because I’m about ready to slap anyone in my own life who does that. I will say that many, many people are successful with IVF. Unfortunately, my husband and I are likely in the camp that is not. You absolutely need time to grieve the loss of the life you thought you’d have. I’m still in that space and it’s REALLY hard to spend time with people who don’t get it (and seem to have no interest in trying). Good luck with this limbo time– it is not for the faint of heart.

    Liked by 1 person

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