I had dinner last night with one of my favorite people on earth. I’ve known her for over a decade, we’ve lived together, we’ve worked together, and we still love each other.
She just had baby #3 a month ago.
So. There’s that. She’s one of the few people in my real life that know we’re going through IVF and infertility. She has been nothing but supportive because she has a small clue of what we’re going through. She and her husband tried for 1.5 years before they had their first IUI and then BAM. Twins. They assumed they wouldn’t get pregnant again without assistance, but surprise! Baby #3 arrived right around when the twins were 18 months. She tries to make our get togethers not be so baby-centric, but that is her world. I can’t and don’t fault her for that, but it gets awkward.
All of the people that know we are doing this are just so…optimistic. Everyone is SO SURE it will work. We will have a baby. Maybe 2, who knows. This whole infertility nonsense will be a blip on the radar of our lives and we will move past it and become happy parents just like everyone else.
But…what if none of that happens? What if it never works? What if we are never able to conceive and have a child? I need to be able to talk about that with people. I need to be able to be scared and not have someone just scoff and tell me that with that attitude of course it won’t work. And now my husband has thrown a wrench into all of this. After talking at length with his longtime friend that’s been down the IVF road (successfully), he’s suddenly decided he’s not 100% on board with our RE any more and that if the FET fails and we have to start over, he wants to switch clinics.
My mind has spiraled off into the future, assuming we’re never successful. How long do we try? Who will we hang out with? Every single close friend we have…has a child. We are officially out of people to spend time with that don’t have kids. It’s getting weird. We aren’t invited to the kid events because it’d be weird. They have zero time to join us for a kid free night, which I don’t begrudge them, though it is disappointing.
I am SUCH a type A person, it’s not even funny. I am a tax accountant, a CPA. I am obsessed with planning. The fact that our future is firmly in the “I don’t even fucking know anymore” category is beyond terrifying to me. We may have kids. We may not. We may keep trying, we may end up being that couple that fosters a crapload of dogs. I don’t know. And I hate it. I wish I could just know for damn sure if we would add to our family some day, whether genetically or by adoption, so I can just have a moment of peace.
I need a dang hug. And a drink.