Breathe.

I’ve been telling myself that repeatedly over the last 24 hours. Just breathe. You can’t change the shitty outcome of this cycle, but all hope is not yet lost.

I’m in a better space mentally today, so there’s that. I haven’t cried since this morning in the shower, and for that I believe I will treat myself to one GIANT glass of whiskey thank you very much.

We have officially decided to take a cycle off before moving forward, so I’m just waiting for my period to start so I can through a normal cycle. I spoke with my clinic today about money, and it was actually a pleasant surprise. A FET cycle will run us $2,820 plus meds, which they say will range from $300-800 depending on my dosage. Overall…not too bad. Plus we overpaid in the previous cycle for a TESE we ended up not doing, so hey, no complaints here. And to our HUGE RELIEF, they said that if the FET fails and we end up having to go through the full blown IVF cycle again, they offer a 25% discount on all their fees, which would knock the price of a cycle down by almost $4,000. I could have cried with HAPPINESS when the nurse told me that.

My RE call me about an hour later so say she was glad to hear we were taking a month off. She mentioned that she would be meeting with the embryologists at the lab to review my cycle and figure out what, if anything, went wrong and how we could have done anything different. Apparently they also want to discuss if they think the frozen embryo would even have a shot or if they would recommend just doing a whole new cycle. I don’t know how I feel about that, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I kind of lost all my trust in the embryologists and a little bit in the RE when they kept giving me such optimistic outcomes.

My husband has been great. He swears he doesn’t blame me. He says we will do this until they tell us we shouldn’t or I decide that enough is enough. I wish he would show some goddamn emotion, but he never does in normal life, so I shouldn’t be surprised when he keeps a straight face through all this. He flat out said he would cry when they told us it was over.

I hope I never have to see that.

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One thought on “Breathe.

  1. I’m not drinking whiskey, but I am thinking of you as I have my vodka/seltzer. Us ladies have to stick together during the shitty times, the alcoholic induced consolation times, and the happy times; which hopefully fall upon us all!

    Liked by 1 person

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