Big fat failure.

That’s me! A big fat fucking failure.

Negative beta, obviously. IVF #1 is officially a failure. My RE herself called. I like her a lot, but breaking this news was not her strong point. She mentioned multiple times that it had been a textbook perfect blastocyst. Thanks. So it’s clearly my piece of shit body that messed this whole thing up. If I can’t even manage to implant a perfect embryo, then I’m fucked for the FET with my “less than perfect” one.

I know it was stupid to get my hopes up. But I did. I hoped so badly that this would work. Odds were on our side. She gave it a 60% chance. Right now it just feels like we flushed $17,000 down the drain. Because we did. Literally.

She’s leaving it up to me to decide if we want to go straight into the FET cycle or to take a cycle off and then come back. I’m leaning towards taking a cycle off. Because I need to get my shit together emotionally and physically. I have felt so out of control of my body over the last month. I want myself back.

Calling my husband was the worst. The absolute worst. He was sad, kept saying that we would do this as many times as I wanted. I just kept apologizing to him. It’s my fault. All I had to do was let the little fucker implant. And I failed. He swore up and down that he didn’t blame me at all. But…I don’t know.

I ended up leaving work early because I just can’t concentrate right now. I just want my husband to be home with me because I have never needed a hug like I do right now. Luckily I have my dogs here and they are fantastic cuddlebugs.

So to recap. I feel like a failure that will never have kids (holy dramatic overreaction, Batman, right?). But I have this face to love on. So I’ve got that going for me, right? πŸ™‚

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18 thoughts on “Big fat failure.

  1. I’m so sorry to hear that, I know how shitty it feels and it’ll take a while to breathe through it and figure out what’s best to do next. Get thyself to a bottle of wine! That helped me after my rejections. Sucks ass no matter what though.

    (I keep thinking after transferring one at a time, three times, how much money I could have saved if I’d just transferred three the first time. But that would never have happened of course.)

    How much is the FET? Our additional tries are $2K each since there’s very minimal to do compared to the fresh cycle (it was ~$17K for our first one).

    Not sure how much your clinic tried to sell the grading part, but embryo grading is insanely subjective – there’s no way of calling one “perfect”, my RE was very adamant about that with me from the start (he’s not a salesman at all, haha) because they are simply looking at them, which doesn’t say a whole lot about what’s happening inside of them (nor what happens at day 6, and so on) – it’s not automatically your body’s fault if it doesn’t work, as every lab looks at embryos differently. I actually think clinics should not be allowed to say shit like “perfect” because they create unrealistic expectations, you know? My doc said “the embryos may look good, but ultimately it’s a numbers game as far as which one(s) implant”. Basically, just like how 3 days don’t always make it to blastocyst, not all blasts make it to implantation because they’re shit by day 6.

    I know, not making you feel better at all, but having had 3 rejections myself with “grade A” embryos and being told my uterus is just fine and fluffy with no immunological issues, I’ve had practice in learning how to not blame myself. It bites either way.

    I was reading recently about a new form of time-lapse embryo evaluation that are way better at evaluating embryos than what most clinics currently do: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/new-test-lets-women-pick-their-best-ivf-embryo/. Now that’s what I’d like to have had done on our embryos! Argh!

    Hugs to you. Glad you’ve got the pups til husband gets home.

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    • Thanks. πŸ™‚ It’s sinking in more – I haven’t cried in like half an hour…winning! Funny – we actually paid for the embryoscope. It takes a photo every 3 minutes so they can go back and watch how each embryo divided over time and see which divided normally and which ones looked suspect. I am a bit annoyed at how much the embryologist tried to sell me on how fantastic the blastocyst was. Looking back, that was the moment I was like hey, this could work. And the beginning of my downfall!

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  2. BTW remind me, did you get an endo scratch before this or immunology testing (ANA, NK, thyroid, etc.)? We’re “all guns blazing” for this last try in 2 weeks, and so I insisted on all the tests, all the procedures, whether or not the doc thought it was necessary. He thought my immunology tests were not needed, but he ordered them (and they were one of the only things covered by my insurance since they’re just blood tests at the hospital down the street) and at least now I won’t ever wonder if there was something I could have looked into.

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    • Had all the testing done including all kinds of genetic screening (normal, no causes for concern in any of them), but no scratch. I hadn’t even heard of it until I believe you posted about it! I may ask about it for the FET.

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    • I went the whole hog on my last FET. Discovered I had severe thyroid problems and raised thyroid anti bodies. I had the scratch on this cycle too, all this i firmly believe resulted in my one and only BFP.x

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  3. I’m so sorry! It’s so hard feeling like a failure but let me assure you that you are not. It is not your fault – embryos fail for many reasons and something just wasn’t right. Sending good wishes and hopes that your next FET works for you.

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    • Thank you. Intellectually, I know it’s not my fault. But oh man the crazy part of my brain just won’t shut up and keeps saying I could have done something different.

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    • Thanks. πŸ™‚ It’s still something I’m processing, but I’m coming to terms with it. I’m looking forward to regaining some shred of normalcy back into our lives for the next month!

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