That’s me! A big fat fucking failure.
Negative beta, obviously. IVF #1 is officially a failure. My RE herself called. I like her a lot, but breaking this news was not her strong point. She mentioned multiple times that it had been a textbook perfect blastocyst. Thanks. So it’s clearly my piece of shit body that messed this whole thing up. If I can’t even manage to implant a perfect embryo, then I’m fucked for the FET with my “less than perfect” one.
I know it was stupid to get my hopes up. But I did. I hoped so badly that this would work. Odds were on our side. She gave it a 60% chance. Right now it just feels like we flushed $17,000 down the drain. Because we did. Literally.
She’s leaving it up to me to decide if we want to go straight into the FET cycle or to take a cycle off and then come back. I’m leaning towards taking a cycle off. Because I need to get my shit together emotionally and physically. I have felt so out of control of my body over the last month. I want myself back.
Calling my husband was the worst. The absolute worst. He was sad, kept saying that we would do this as many times as I wanted. I just kept apologizing to him. It’s my fault. All I had to do was let the little fucker implant. And I failed. He swore up and down that he didn’t blame me at all. But…I don’t know.
I ended up leaving work early because I just can’t concentrate right now. I just want my husband to be home with me because I have never needed a hug like I do right now. Luckily I have my dogs here and they are fantastic cuddlebugs.
So to recap. I feel like a failure that will never have kids (holy dramatic overreaction, Batman, right?). But I have this face to love on. So I’ve got that going for me, right? 🙂