The one where I lose my shit.

Finally happened. I knew it was coming. Had more bloodwork and monitoring today after 7 days of stims and I completely freaking lost it.

Apparently one follicle on the right side is just dominating all the others. It’s already at 18mm and the other 5 on that side are lagging behind at between 14-15mm. Currently up to 6 follicles on the left side, all between 12-15mm. The plan is two more nights of injections to let all the others catch up, go in on Monday for yet another twat wanding, and hopefully trigger Monday night for a Wednesday morning retrieval.

I held it together quite nicely during the bloodwork and checking out. But then I got in my car and just lost my mind. I think I sat there for a good 10 minutes in the parking lot of the RE’s office just sobbing. I don’t know even know why particularly. Blame the hormones I guess. My mind immediately just started beating myself up over this even though intellectually I know I have ZERO control over what’s happening in there.

What if the others don’t catch up? What if she can only retrieve one mature egg? Or none? What if my piece of shit body is the reason we’ve just wasted $16,000? I was supposed to be the solid one of this process to help counteract the reason we needed IVF/ICSI in the first place. I was supposed to be good.

Again. Beware the what-ifs.

I know I’m being irrational. I know this. I know there are women out there that don’t even respond to stims at all. So yay for my body for doing what science told it to do, albeit not quite as nicely as we’d hoped. But fuck. I just feel like wallowing for a second. I’ve been surprisingly optimistic during the last few weeks. I deserve a day to just be pessimistic and wallow in my sweats and a t shirt. So dammit I’m going to take it!

Solid high five to Mr. Oh Just Relax. I walked back in the door with snot and tears all over my face and he just hugged me and said he loved me. Didn’t say anything else. Smart guy.


IVF #1 Running Tally:

Number of vials of blood drawn: 16

Number of Twat Wand Sessions: 7

Number of self injections: 16


3 thoughts on “The one where I lose my shit.

  1. Your husband is very wise. And don’t be too hard on yourself. I have had a couple of meltdowns like the one you just described, and that was before I started injections! IVF is a crazy roller coaster of emotions. And I find I actually feel better if I let myself feel sad sometimes. Take it easy today. You are getting close to the end!! Big hugs!


  2. I would be one of the women who doesn’t respond to stims at all…but I know it’s not something to make you feel better, as I’m using someone else’s eggs and it’s not working so far! Sending good thoughts, that’s all we can do for each other during this crap, I know…


    • See? I know I’m being a crazy irrational twat waffle about it, and yet I still cry like a maniac in the parking lot. Right back at ya with the good thoughts though, I salute everyone that’s had to go through this.

      Liked by 1 person

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